September 07, 2014
Dear Peter Jackson:
Please hire the 613th incarnation of Ranger Kris. He'll make a fine addition to your editing team and just might save you 15% on car insur. . . wait, fuck, wrong script. If you'd hired Ranger Kris earlier, he could have saved you scores of millions on unnecessary CGI, but at this point in the game, he can at least pare your last installment of The Lord of the Hobbits to half of whatever length you think the audience should endure. In other words, Ranger Kris can halfling-ize your halfling movie. Thank you.
Wearing a flaming Sauron disco suit,